There is an old saying that goes ?What you don?t know can?t hurt you.? Not only do I not subscribe to that old saying, but I actually believe that the information we are not privy to can be even more damaging than brutal honesty.? Take Alexis and Tony for example, whose names have been changed to ensure their confidentiality.? Both are hardworking, loving parents whose children have started to act out; one by exhibiting verbal aggression to her younger siblings and another by messing up in school.
One child seems totally unaffected by the present chaos in the home because she excels in all that she does.? The obvious information is that the family is in turmoil, yet the hidden information is that Alexis, the loving mother is having an affair with a man whom she met online.? While she still makes every effort to provide for her husband and children physically, she is emotionally distant from the family.? Her coldness in turn influences her husband to work longer hours and eventually find comfort outside of the marriage as well.? While the bills are all paid, the family is fed, and life continues to go on; the family is disconnected and the children are suffering.
When parents have an affair, they are not only betraying their spouse, but they are betraying the children of the family.? More than anything children need love and affection and in the instance of an affair, these are usually the first two things to go. ??It is difficult to provide the emotional warmth that is required by a child when a parent is spending his or her time attempting to maintain an intricate and deceitful illusion.? Affairs are work; hard work at that.? In addition to the demands of daily life, the cheating parent has to find the time to live out the fantasy and the children suffer from this.
Within the confines of an affair, individuals tend to live for the moment.? The moment with the lover is a risky escape from real life.? There are no bills or housework to be tended to and for that moment in time, even the children don?t matter.? Many people who engage in affairs state that they do so in order to find happiness, yet in all actuality these are the most selfish relationships because the cheating spouse?s happiness is the only happiness that is accounted for (besides the lover).
Some parents take offense when confronted with the reality that children often play a far second to the affair.? The reasoning here, (though possibly not conscious) is the realization that even if one parent (the cheating parent) checks out and engages in an affair, the other parent will pick up the slack.? Such was the case with Dana and Peter.? Peter had no difficulty taking his mistress on weekend trips and staying ?late at work? because he was confident in his wife?s ability to manage the household and the kids.
There are scores of data to suggest the value of a healthy two parent home.? When a parent cheats, the impact of the co-caregiver relationship is diminished and possibly even eliminated.? When children have an absent parent who still lives within the home, it may do more damage than a physically absent parent.? To that child, a parent is saying that ?although I am here with you, I cannot be there for you.?
Affairs hurt.
They usually end within 6 months to a year, but the damage may last for years.? Cheated on spouses spend years in therapy and most parents have no regard for how deeply children are affected by the parent?s indiscretion.? You don?t have to tell children some things; they just know.? They understand when their parents are hurting and disconnected from one another.? The classic response is to create a diversion.
Children often act out to shift the focus from the real problem, thus making them (the children) the new center of attention.? As far as Alexis and Tony?s situation, even that so-called perfect child can be dealing with underlying feelings of depression.?When children are actually aware of the affair and the relationship is not protected in secrecy, the signs that children are suffering from the affair are quite obvious.? Children show resentment to and even aggression towards one or both parents.? The resentment and aggression towards the cheating spouse is rooted in the betrayal that is felt.
For the parent who is cheated on, the children may feel a certain resentment that the parent is somehow ?allowing? the cheating spouse to hurt the family.? This predicament puts the cheated on spouse in an uncomfortable position because not only must she or he deal with their own feelings of betrayal, but she or he must protect the feelings of the child or children.
Most often, children are not aware because the affair has been made public.? It is the subtle signs from one parent to the other that guides the child to the conclusion that the family is in trouble.? While happiness is important in a relationship, there is a certain amount of self-sacrifice involved in parenting.? While it may not be in the best interest of either spouse to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, it is never in the best interest of the child or children, to satisfy the need to be happy through an affair.? The main reason why affairs are not the answer is because ultimately they do not provide the happiness that they seek to secure.
Affairs cause hurt in the end.? The cheating spouse usually realizes the err of his or her ways, the cheated on spouse is left feeling inadequate at best, and children are left with feelings of instability and uncertainty.? Ultimately, the weakest links in the equation are the most vulnerable people; the children, whose lives may never be the same after mommy or daddy decides that the needs of the individual are more important than the well-being of the family.
About the author
Kirsten Person-Ramey is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Georgia who specializes in treating children, adolescents, and their families who have experienced some type of turmoil.? A mother of four daughters, Person-Ramey also co-owns a film production company with her husband Roc Ramey. ? ? ?
Visit Personallcounseling.com to know more Kirsten.
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Source: http://infidelityinfo.com/how-do-affairs-affect-children/
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